the.winds.of.2025

January 19, 2025

A New Year is upon and we all know what that means, no more bad habits till at least March. Here’s my Top Ten New Years Resolution so far:

  1. Start reading more
  2. Learn the Keytar
  3. Pick my nose less
  4. Stop procrastinating

I’d finish but I’ve recently been reading The Song of Fire and Ice series and needless to say I’ve been enthralled. I’ve read all five books and have loved every minute of it until the last book ends on a goddamn cliffhanger! And the author, George R.R. Martin, has been writing the next book in the series for fifteen years! Also, George R.R. Martin is super old! No one really knows how old because when you ask him, he says he’ll get back to you BUT HE NEVER DOES!

we.are.all.going.to.die!

… Someday. Even the semi-eternal writing machine that is George R.R. Martin. I say it’s time to pass the torch! I implore that someone else be brought in to help Mr. Martin preserve his legacy, someone to provide the community with never-ending hope, someone who will continue to not write the next book The Winds of Winter and who better than yours truly?

Why me you might ask? I have years of experience, being a the prime age of 36 I have 36 years of experience not finishing the book The Winds of Winter. And at this rate I could easily continue not finishing The Winds of Winter for at least 40 years. More generally, I am an expert procrastinator, I almost never finish anything. I certainly start things but finishing things has been a lot less interesting.

On top of my ability not to finish things, I am also experienced in reading and writing and I know how to tease readers with excerpts.

spare.the.chapter.spoil.the.book

Here is a taste of a teaser I would write, but before that for those of you who haven’t read the books yet here is a quick recap.

SPOILER ALERT

Brandon Stark, known as Bran, is a weird three eyed freak who can’t walk and sees the past by talking to birds. Additionally he also has dark hair and that is why he is known as the Three Eyed Raven. He lives in a cave in the frozen tundra with a giant simpleton named Hodor who carries Bran around and might chew and regurgitate food into Bran’s mouth like a mother bird. Hodor also does DJ sets in his spare time under the name DJ Hodor. Bran also lives with a swamp girl who I forget the name of right now. Also there is this old guy who always announces what he's doing.

Chapter 143 Bran

Bran awoke to the sound of his helpful giant Hodor smashing the ground with his great fists in search of worms to eat for breakfast. The cave light was dim and Bran could not say what time of day it was, he could also not say how long he had lived in the cave. Bran broke his fast on regurgitated worms Hodor spat into his mouth. The swamp girl abstained from eating worms, but after a few more days she would surely change her mind.

Just then the old man, who also can't walk and also is stuck in a tree, yelled “I’ve defacated myself, Worm Muncher come clean me up!“

that’s.all.folks

That’s all you get… for now! But more will come as soon as my demands are met. Here is my list of top ten demands:

  1. Full creative control over the Game Of Thrones universe
  2. Two Billion dollars in Monopoly money
  3. A pool full of nice sharks that have signed legal documents not to eat me
  4. Constipation medicine
  5. An assistant to finish the rest of this list…

All I need now is get this to the attention of George R.R. Martin. I know he lives somewhere in Nevada, or was it New Mexico… Ehhh, I’ll look it up later. I’m sure the assistant will come soon, they’ll be right on it.